Waiting

In the last month I have made some shocking discoveries about my life and probably so many others that don't realise they are falling into the same hole I put myself in. You need some background details.

I have always had a plan. I can think as far back as grade six when selecting options in junior high, then selecting high school courses that would indefinitely determine the rest of your life because of what you would take in university. Then going to University, first taking Education because that's what I'm good at. The plan was to spend four years getting my degree meanwhile developing stunt skills so I'd be prepared to go to stunt school in Los Angeles. In this time I would also collect enough money to pay for stunt school and be able to live in sunny California for some time, making contacts and becoming a moviestar overnight. If that didn't work I'd just come home and be a teacher; I'd have a degree after all. So after one year, education is not right for me. Being locked in a classroom with the same group of kids all day. I'd rather be out playing games, kicking a soccerball around, so why am I in education. I don't want that kind of structure. So I change my degree to Physical Education. No teaching. Just anatomy and physiology and a lot of sports and biomechanics. It's making me stronger so obviously it's helping me get closer to my dreams on the big screen. Oh and I bought a condo to rent out, thereby making money for LA, and I'll sell it before I leave in four more years (new degree) to pay for stunt school. Problem solved. Except I'm not going to rent it out anymore. I want to live there. So now I've got to find a better job to pay a mortgage.

I jumped at the opportunity to take a bartending course. - got a job at a bar and make lots of money. Hurray for me. But in these past years of preparing to go to LA and live my dreams I have done nothing to prepare at all. And this is where my shocking discovery comes in. Why am I waiting for this big thing to happen and watching as my life passes me by, living for the future. People say live in the present, but this hit me really hard; I don't think I ever have. I'm not developing stunt skills or making things happen. I've been waiting for the time to be right for me to go to LA and then what?? Take a nice little vacation and then come back here and get a desk job? I don't think I could live with myself. This may sound weird or even arrogant, but I don't mean it in that way at all. I have always felt like I am something special and that I have to be something that is not average. Not like I have to be better than anyone else, but I have to be different. I have always known this for some reason and I think this, but have never done anything about it. Even when I think I am on my way, I am really just going through the motions, waiting for something else to happen. I've had this feeling while at concerts or watching a movie in the theatre. I'm just waiting for the next song or the next scene so I can have more, but it's not more at all. You can have everything you thought you wanted and you're never happy.

Why am I not enjoying every single day of my life and living like it was my last? Do we really need people that we love to be gone before we realise what a gift we've been given. If you don't like your job, quit it. If you want to lose weight, then do something about it. If you want to be a stunt person and live that life, then start living it now. I have to tell myself this. If you want to learn to surf, move to Australia for six months and learn to love life. Even now, I'm sitting in my condo. I worked all day and I have to go to work in a few hours again. I can't help but feel like I'm on the same path I've been for my entire life, waiting for summer to come so I can travel. I like my job, but I've been happier. I think of a few really good days I have had when nothing bothered me and I felt like if this lasted forever I wouldn't mind at all.

Acting jobs. A few hours of doing the same scene over and over and waiting in a frozen heatless van wearing shorts because it's supposed to be a summer night, not November in Edmonton. Making friends you'll never see again and memories you'll never forget. Meeting Josh for the first time. Sitting around the next day, recovering from the guitar hero fest and starting it all again. Dinner with John. Walking through the river valley on a snowy night. Entertaining at the party. Being Miss Authority. Dodgeball. Hot showers. Choreography. Kung Fu Camp. Movie Voiceovers. The perfect moment you thought you'd say it all, but didn't. The perfect kiss.

Living in the moment in these very few moments.

I've always felt like my life is going by so quickly. I don't know how to fix this, but I know I have to somehow.